You guessed it

My Grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Zoo.

The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following.

You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.

Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.

Do not read the next sentence! You rebel, I like you.

When nothing goes right, go left.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

If you don't do a lot of stupid things when you're young, you won't have many funny things to talk about when you're old.

Enjoy life! There's plenty of time to be dead.

If you don't live for something you'll die for nothing.

If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a giant lizard who helps rebuild a half burnt down city then moonwalks into the ocean.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

People think I'm crazy. But I think of myself as normal with a twist of awesome.

Moms! They're like Dads, only smarter!

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Also, check out these funny LOtR images. Okay, not all of the are funny, but the Uruk Hai one definitely made me think of Sarah!  :-)

Funny quotes

Well, it's time to teach the neighbors what good music is.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presely

I want to do a musical movie. Like Evita, but with good music. - Elton John

When I was kidnapped my parents sprang into action: they put my room up for rent.

I think that animal testing is horrible. They get nervous and make mistakes.

Men are like bank accounts. If they don't have a ton of money they don't generate any interst.

I told my doctor that my leg had broken in two places and he told me to avoid those places.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion. But yours is just stupid.

Always forgive your enemies. There's nothing they hate more.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know well.

Women are like your shadow: if you run they follow, if you follow they run.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go she goes shopping.

If a little bird tells you that you're crazy, you must be, because birds don't talk.

"You're the only woman for me!" - Adam

I once read that playing video games is bad, so I decided to stop reading.

The bad thing about being on time is that there is no one there to appreciate it.

Don't get mad…get revenge!

If you see that everyone is against you, don't give up! Kill them all!

Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner. - Klingon Proverb

Yet more funny one-liners

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me healthy.
When I die I want my last words to be "I left a million dollars under the…".
Don't listen to the voices in my head! They're crazy!
If Apple built a car, would it have windows?
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
Backups?  We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx
Bug?  That's not a bug, that's a feature.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Fun-sized Snickers? Who’s this fun for? Not me. I need six or seven of these babies in a row to start having fun.
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.
Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!