Quotes

Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
It's weird… people say they're not like apes; now how do you explain football then?
What's black and white and brown and looks good on a lawyer? … a Doberman.
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
I can't remember whether I tested positive for Alzheimer's.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Death to all fanatics!
never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
It isn't an optical illusion; it just looks like one.
Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?
True friends are hard to come by...I need more money.
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”
God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.