Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
It's weird… people say they're not like apes; now how do you explain football then?
What's black and white and brown and looks good on a lawyer? … a Doberman.
A camel is a horse designed by committee.
I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
I can't remember whether I tested positive for Alzheimer's.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Death to all fanatics!
never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
It isn't an optical illusion; it just looks like one.
Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?
True friends are hard to come by...I need more money.
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”
God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
More Funny Quotes
Big Brother is watching you! And he's bored.
I just love animals. They taste GREAT!
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
Vegetarian: Ancient Indian word for lousy hunter.
Protect your hunting rights: Spay or neuter a liberal.
Gun control means using two hands.
I am not a hunter! I'm a Wildlife Population Control Specialist!
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
The word "user" is the word used by the computer professional when they mean "idiot".
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
We'll cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Why do people lapse into insanity when they talk to me?
If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then you'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.
The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
You don't see people at their best in this job. -Death
Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it.
It's not blood in general I can't stand the sight of, it's just my blood in particular that is so upsetting.
Death isn't cruel – merely terribly, terribly good at his job.
The violence of the Big Bang can give a universe serious psychological problems when it gets older.
Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind!!!
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
Time is like a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
It is always useful to have an enemy who is prepared to die for his country, this means that both you and he have exactly the same aim in mind.
One of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.
Chess: If only the pawns united, maybe talked the rooks round, the whole board could be a republic in a dozen moves.
Never laugh at your wife's choices, you are one of them.
If you're wrong and you shut up you're wise. If you're right and you shut up you're married.
Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.
Maybe I'll become an evil genius and destroy the world, THEN I'll feel better.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.
Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.
So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
The future isn’t what it used to be
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What could possible go wrong?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Department of Redundancy Department
Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.
Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He has delusions of adequacy.
He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.
I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.
I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If all else fails, read the directions.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If we quit voting will they all go away?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Sell a man a fish, and he's full for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you've missed out on an excellent business opportunity.
I apologize profusely for any inconvenience my murderous rampage may have caused.
I've discovered that getting pummeled by a blunt weapon can be quite painful.
I look bigger in those mirrors where things look bigger.
Come closer, I don't bite... often... usually... sometimes... actually, you might want to keep your distance.
So then she says to me: 'What big teeth you have'; I mean, what do you say to that?
I have no respect for people with small piercings. I say go full hog. Put a spear through your head.
I will CRUSH and DESTROY and... ooo... shiny...
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I go through the ribcage!
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either!
It's a sure thing! With the right bribes, anything is street legal.
Listen babe. The world is changing. Everything these days is now, now, NOW, faster faster, FASTER, me, me, ME, murder, murder, MURDER!
I'm a modern woman, independent. I still let men do nice things to me. But I stopped giving them any credit.
I am mostly vegetarian. I only eat plants. And animals that eat plants.
If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, do not be ashamed, for you have aspired to greatness.... And the moon had it coming.
Hey! You look like you've lost some weight! ... That's terrible. Have a dumpling.
Mighty is the wind, but you can still break it. Meditate on this.
It is said: To err is human... Stupid humans...
It is said: If you cannot beat them, join them. I say, if you cannot beat them, hit them. Because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I just love animals. They taste GREAT!
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
Vegetarian: Ancient Indian word for lousy hunter.
Protect your hunting rights: Spay or neuter a liberal.
Gun control means using two hands.
I am not a hunter! I'm a Wildlife Population Control Specialist!
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
The word "user" is the word used by the computer professional when they mean "idiot".
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
We'll cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Why do people lapse into insanity when they talk to me?
If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then you'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.
The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
You don't see people at their best in this job. -Death
Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it.
It's not blood in general I can't stand the sight of, it's just my blood in particular that is so upsetting.
Death isn't cruel – merely terribly, terribly good at his job.
The violence of the Big Bang can give a universe serious psychological problems when it gets older.
Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind!!!
Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
Time is like a drug. Too much of it kills you.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
It is always useful to have an enemy who is prepared to die for his country, this means that both you and he have exactly the same aim in mind.
One of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.
Chess: If only the pawns united, maybe talked the rooks round, the whole board could be a republic in a dozen moves.
Never laugh at your wife's choices, you are one of them.
If you're wrong and you shut up you're wise. If you're right and you shut up you're married.
Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.
Maybe I'll become an evil genius and destroy the world, THEN I'll feel better.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.
Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.
So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
The future isn’t what it used to be
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What could possible go wrong?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Department of Redundancy Department
Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.
Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.
Don’t worry about the world ending today… It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia -then start worrying)
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He has delusions of adequacy.
He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
How can there be incompetence in the world? They don’t teach it in schools.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.
I’m not shy — I’m studying my prey.
I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If all else fails, read the directions.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If we quit voting will they all go away?
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It’s a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn’t understand.
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Sell a man a fish, and he's full for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you've missed out on an excellent business opportunity.
I apologize profusely for any inconvenience my murderous rampage may have caused.
I've discovered that getting pummeled by a blunt weapon can be quite painful.
I look bigger in those mirrors where things look bigger.
Come closer, I don't bite... often... usually... sometimes... actually, you might want to keep your distance.
So then she says to me: 'What big teeth you have'; I mean, what do you say to that?
I have no respect for people with small piercings. I say go full hog. Put a spear through your head.
I will CRUSH and DESTROY and... ooo... shiny...
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I go through the ribcage!
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either!
It's a sure thing! With the right bribes, anything is street legal.
Listen babe. The world is changing. Everything these days is now, now, NOW, faster faster, FASTER, me, me, ME, murder, murder, MURDER!
I'm a modern woman, independent. I still let men do nice things to me. But I stopped giving them any credit.
I am mostly vegetarian. I only eat plants. And animals that eat plants.
If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, do not be ashamed, for you have aspired to greatness.... And the moon had it coming.
Hey! You look like you've lost some weight! ... That's terrible. Have a dumpling.
Mighty is the wind, but you can still break it. Meditate on this.
It is said: To err is human... Stupid humans...
It is said: If you cannot beat them, join them. I say, if you cannot beat them, hit them. Because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
A Unique Week
I had several firsts this week, which is always kind of fun. Well, depending on the firsts I guess.
The one that comes most readily to mind is getting a negative score on Ticket to Ride. That's right, check out the screenshot!
That was a fun game! And not just because I got a score of -274, but also because I really annoyed Jessica and Sarah while doing it! :-)
Something else that wasn't really a first, and didn't actually happen this week, was that I sang in the Stake Choir for Stake Conference last week. There was a very nice Spirit there, and the talks were excellent. And I had a great seat!
On a somewhat more somber note, this week was the first time I helped dress a deceased brother for a funeral. I hadn't known the brother who we were dressing personally, but he had been a friend for 30+ years of another one of the brethren there, so it was a very touching process. I actually felt really privileged to be there performing that last service for him. I'm glad I did it.
I've been thinking about starting to go to single adult activities, and maybe even dating again. But I admit its not for the right reasons. There is a single sister in our Ward who I think may be interested in me, but I am not the slightest bit interested in her. So I was thinking that if I brought a girlfriend to church she might look elsewhere. I don't even really think that its me she's interested in, I think she just wants to get married again.
A little over a week ago I also gave my first multiplayer online game a trial run in my class. Basically each player moves around the board and clicks on any question they want. Each question is worth ten points and as soon as a question is answered correctly it disappears. Man, my students were going nuts! At one point I even reminded them that it was just a game, that it wasn't serious. To which one of my students responded: "You've made it serious."
I guess I could explain that a little better. I break each semester into four quarters. During each quarter I assign students to be in specific groups. The groups can earn points by volunteering, speaking in Spanish, getting good grades, doing their homework, etc., and they can lose points by being absent or for inappropriate behavior (such as swearing or sexual innuendo). Anyway, at the end of each quarter every member of the group with the highest score gets a treat of their choice. Usually its Oreos, Kit Kats, donuts, or something similar.
There are of course some students who don't get into it. But there are a lot more students who really get into it! And so when I told the class that the amount of points that they earned in this review game would be added to their group's score, well, let's just say I think that it added to their enthusiasm. ;-)
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Stake Conference
This morning I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Stake Conference. The Spirit was strong and the talks were excellent! I felt particularly inspired to start working on family history. I've felt this many times before, but I've always tried to ignore it, knowing that I would need to give up some of my cherished leisure activities. But this time I don't feel my customary reluctance.
I was also in the Stake choir for conference today, and that added to the Spirit of the thing. I was praying fervently that I would be able to help bring the Spirit into the meeting. And I don't know how much of a difference I made for everyone else, but I definitely felt strengthened and uplifted myself. And I felt that Heavenly Father had accepted my effort and desire to help out in my little way.
I also felt inspired that I should start being more of a spiritual role-model for my kids. I'm not sure how yet, but I will thinking and praying about it.
I was also in the Stake choir for conference today, and that added to the Spirit of the thing. I was praying fervently that I would be able to help bring the Spirit into the meeting. And I don't know how much of a difference I made for everyone else, but I definitely felt strengthened and uplifted myself. And I felt that Heavenly Father had accepted my effort and desire to help out in my little way.
I also felt inspired that I should start being more of a spiritual role-model for my kids. I'm not sure how yet, but I will thinking and praying about it.
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